When I was a pre-teen to teen, I didn't want anything to do with boys, sex, marriage, and kids. I just didn't. I was a huge self proclaimed feminist, vegan/veggie that wanted to just graduate high school, and travel the world. I wanted to to to Spain, Basque, Italy, New Zealand, etc. I wanted to be this wonder woman that traveled and documented my journey. I was so set on being alone and content in that.
You see in 7th grade I dropped out of middle school to be home schooled. I just wasn't liking my peers and the direction that my friends were going. I was a late bloomer and pretty damn shy. They were having boyfriends, drinking, and smoking.. and well... I just was too scared to start that stuff at that time in my life.
So, I was home schooled all throughout middle and high school.
Fast forward to me being about 17-18 years old. I found myself with older friends that had kids and ended up always being the babysitter while they drank or whatever. (I went through a period of time where I didn't make the best choices in friends) but these kids sparked something in me. I really enjoy having a baby on my hip, I didn't care about getting puked on, and baby laughs made my heart flutter. I LOVED babies! However, I still was pretty set on not having kids till I was way older and even then, I really liked the idea of being a single mother and adopting a child. I just didn't see myself ever wanting a man telling me what to do my whole life and fight with someone over shit I didn't care about.
After I graduated high school, I really changed my life around. I changed my friends, I changed my attitude, I got a job, and I was just a girl that found a little bit of peace in a new life and working non stop. My love for animals came back in full force and I found my old self again.
Puberty and Teen Life was really about change, mistakes, and finding yourself. And at the age of 19, I am pleased to say that I felt that's when I grew up. I myself stopped drinking and smoking cigarettes by the age of 20, met J, fell in love, adopted a few dogs, moved in with him, quit my job, J went to get his CDL, and we whisked me off to live in TN. Here I am at 21years old.
Since meeting J, he has shed a lot of layers off me. And when I say that I mean I was really hesitant, cold and stiff around him. I tried so hard to be this tough, independent, woman. But this more I fell in love with him, the more I found I had all the really crazy emotions. I'd see a child walk by and my eyes would fill with tears and I'd smile ear to ear. I would tighten my grip on J and just try to picture what our kids would look like. I would see a comercial of a birth or a child and just start crying. I'd watch Birth Stories, Teen Mom, and just cry throughout the whole entire show. I wanted a baby so bad. I'd catch myself on the computer for days at a time reading baby blogs, and websites about natural parenting and gathering ideas of how I would want to raise my kids... then I couldn't wait till J got home from work so I can talk about my new passions of exclusively breastfeeding, having a natural water birth, and leaving my future sons intact and how awful circumcision is. (These are a whole other post on why i came to these conclusions)
I'd day dream about the nursery and the belly I'd get and the day we'd find out the sex of our baby. I am SO in love with J that I don't see myself being with anyone else ever. I want nothing more than to marry this man and have kids with him. I cannot wait to see the day of daddy and child meeting for the first time.
Daisy and Bluebelle cuddling. Makes my heart melt when I see this photo.
